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the only reason i will never leave this house despite mom constantly asking me to - i know i will only walk further away from the distance that we already have. i mean, i love my family. but my mother is always extremely unhappy with me. no one can probably understand how it feels like to be me, am not seeking any form of understanding anyway. but its just... not easy. remembering the younger days when i would cry to cbel so much and then both of us end up crying over the phone. that's probably the darkest part of our life, but i'm glad we overcame it. that was the part of our life when we were still growing, learning to accept ourselves, then shit happened but we can't stop.

what doesn't break you only makes you stronger. true that.

from someone who would rather not eat than to eat alone at the coffee shop till who i am today, how can i say that i've not changed? in fact, i think that i changed the most over the years. now, i eat and shop alone, so often. i know i've grown so much. sometimes i really don't think i need anyone and can't imagine having anyone else in my life. its like, you are so used to being alone, you lost touch with the people in your life unknowingly, gradually you don't know how to show concerns to others and become apathetic. and i think that's what i've became. i'm so awkward with people sometimes now, i can't hug anyone(not even my own close friends) and i just.. can't even know show my concerns that easily even if i do. just what have i done to myself?

i will always be fine.