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when i went to the hairdresser and told the guy i want my hair short this afternoon, he seems to be more uncertain than i do. i have no exact idea how long i've kept my hair long. i think the first time i cut bob and dyed it red was in early 2009. could vividly remember ben's red lettuce joke about my hair then. which made it a total of 4 years. wow, 4 years. ok, i kind of get why the guy at the salon was so uncertain now.

it has been pretty difficult for me to be happy like i used to lately. leaving behind a place i've stayed for 16 years, now thinking about it, isn't really that easy for me after all. not bearing to part with all the peace and memories we had there and being uncertain about the new place. i'm just such a paranoid person. all these happened tgt while i was still adjusting myself to the new working pace(which i admit, is rather fast). i guess i've unknowingly let all these accumulated worries take its toll on me. and then came the panic attack which i thought almost ended me. it happened during dinner time and tbh, i've been quite afraid to eat since then. the psychological impact is significant enough for me to realise. eating was my favorite thing to do but now it seems like its the root of my problem, idk. i feel like there are so much going through my mind and so much inside it have changed. idk if its for the good or bad, but i know i have to learn to slowly let go no matter what. so for a new start, i've decided to get a new hairstyle on the first day of a new month, not intentional though. but i hope its will be the start of all things good from here, sincerely. 

and thinking back, i don't know what worse would have happened if i didn't met Elaine, didn't met Kaslyn, didn't met my colleagues during this period of "transition". even with such a heavy heart, they have really made me laugh a lot. and for the first time, it isn't me making people laugh anymore.